Sunday evening.
I walk into the pub and see L and A sat at a table looking at menus. We hug and I sit, choosing a steak and ale pie and allow them to begin. They tell me the stories of their month long trip around Europe. 22 cities.
They tell me about the bouncers they met in Venice who gave them free drinks all night and offered to drive them around the city which they refused.
They tell me about the bar they went to under a church in Vienna that was only lit by candlelight.
They tell me about the hostel owners in Prague who greeted them with a hug every time they saw them.
And they tell me and tell me.
And I'm seething with jealousy.
Then they give me my present, 3 large pouches of tobacco, and I tell them it sounds wonderful.

We eat our meals and I hear more, and I tell them how nothing has happened while they've been away. We go outside for a cigarette and L snaps a polaroid of us that comes out with our faces whitewashed. She draws a sad face on the bottom and leaves it under the ash tray.

Texts between me and VW 04/12/10

You out?

In Leeds? I live in Manchester now...

No, Manchester, i've been moved with work, living in Alderly Edge.

Oh, well no, I'm not, how long you been in Manchester?

A week, fancy meeting up?

Maybe some time, just got a new job but not been paid yet.

Well if you fancy it drinks on me.

Thanks, but I pay my own way.

Lol ok ok.

So VW is back. Kind of thought that was ended; but now we're in the same city and I'm obviously still single and obviously still desperate for some kind of affection. And by affection I mean sexual encounter. It's been 5 months. Too long, way too long.

And the paying my own way comment. I don't. But I like to pretend I would.

08/12/10

So I guess it's been awhile. And for that I have no real reason other than 'I lost interest'.
But I feel like writing about recent happenings.

I walked into an interview for a supervisor role in a certain fashion retailer. I wore brown leather brogues, slim fit grey chinos, a grey, white buttoned, shirt (fully buttoned), and a navy sweater. I smiled and I charmed as I got asked tedious questions about simple things and lied about my passion for life.
I got a call the next day and was offered assistant manager. I accepted.
I trained in another store for 6 days, got invited to their christmas night out (the supervisor and manager who were also training didn't), and fought back the urge to swallow my phone when I received these texts from a boy who worked at my training store.

I don't want you to leave the ------- store :(

It has been fun, but i'll call in whenever I' near.

You better had, I'll hold you to that. This week has been hard, having so many people in the store and liking one of them does not help. Yeah, it's you :) Had to say it, sorry haha.

Thanks M, was great working with you.

My tactic is to tell unwanted suitors that I have a boyfriend, but this boy knew I didn't, after saying to me on the 3rd day: 'I don't want to make you awkward or anything but no one can tell if you're gay or straight...'

So then the Christmas night out was obviously made 5 times more stressful. I dragged J with me so at least I could run away with him, which I did.

And now I'm in my brand new store with staff I can tell what to do while I look in the mirror, or text message, or file through peaper work that has nothing to do with anything. Yeah, I'm one of them bosses.

One member of staff is signed to Base models; a totally fuckable Persian with the body of a greek god and dimples I could live in. Who's also a stripper a few nights a week, although I'm not supposed to know that.

My postings temporarily moved to tumblr while I was away, and although I've not posted on there in a few days I'll probably update it much more regularly than here because it's so much easier and I don't have to put any thoughts together.

Wherever I sat - on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok - I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air. 

After spinning class with J:

J: 'Did you see the guy next to you?'
Me: 'No, why?'
J: 'I think he was just your type. You would have thought he was well fit.'
Me: 'Ugh, I didn't even pay attention, how old was he?'
J: 'About 30.'


So I've not really been doing much the past week. I went out on friday night to a Smiths disco. I saw an old English teacher from High School. I never actually had him as a teacher but I spoke to him sometimes because J did, and he was openly gay. So I saw him coming out as I was going in and we said hi and carried on. 
I text J. 

Me: 'Just seen Mr. A in Star and Garter haha'

J: 'I don't like him he's in my bad books.'

Me: 'Do tell.'

J: 'He tried to pull A (J's ex) the other week!'

Me: 'Haha! I'm guessing he isn't with his bf anymore then? What do you care anyway? Mr. A is a crepper, he keeps looking at me.'

J: 'It's against the rules.'

Me: 'I guess. I'm gonna get wasted now, cya.'

And VW text me that night. He's been moved to Manchester by work and now lives in Alderley Edge. He said he wants to meet for a drink but I told him I can't afford it. He said the drinks were on him but I refused.

Something worth going home for.

That night in the car park.

Listening to stuff like this:

  Fake Blood - I Think I Like It by lust_for_life
 

Things that have happened: A small picture re-cap.

 A trip to Leeds for drinks with (from left to right) fit indie twink, dopey pretty girl, funny queen ex-collegue.

Activities included; drinking pints of cider and black and bottles of corona, dancing and dancing, perving on fit indie twink, texting funny queen ex-collegue at around 4.30am to laugh about how I saw fit indie twink and dopey pretty girl engaged in some serious touchy feely in a subway despite dopey pretty girl having a bf.

 Many nights out with J. 

Activites included; avoiding people, drinking snakebite and jagerbombs, bar hopping, watching a drag queen throw water in a gays face and then watching the gay bitch about his make-up running, being hit in the back of the head by one of A's friends and then being dragged away by J because the police come over and think I started the fight, 

Watching/Listening/Dancing to Fake Blood and Boys Noize plus others in an underground car park in the centre of Manchester.

Activites included; Drinking (duh), queueing for portaloos, being hugged by at least 3 strangers, being given a piggyback ride, bonding with a straight boy called Tim about wearing tank tops, walking around in a 6 person long line holding hands to avoid getting lost, getting lost on 2 occasions, allowing a 23 year old chemistry teacher of a local school share our taxi home, going to bed at 7.30am.

A close friend's gorgeous cover of Depeche Mode's 'Enjoy the Silence'.

    Enjoy The Silence by lust_for_life

Download this and 2 of her originals from her upcoming album here. I just wish you could hear her live.

Love. Love. Love.

Face & Body

I'm wearing brown leather deck shoes, camel chinos, a brown leather Vivienne Westwood belt, and a tucked in blue denim All Saints shirt. I'm leant against a barrier outside a usual haunt smoking a roll up while J is inside dancing with a friend.
'Excuse me?'
I look up. A boy, slightly taller than me, dark hair, ok looking.
'Hey, I wasn't going to talk to you, you look really posh.'
'I'm from ------, I'm not posh.'
'Oh haha, how are you?'
'I'm good.' I look away, take a last drag on my cigarette and start to walk away.
'Oh, cya.'

It's 2 days later and I'm back in the same area of the city with J. We're at a bar we used to go to every week. We're stood at the bar. The owner is behind the bar in front of us, she brings a shot of tequila to me and winks. I take it and smile at her as she leans over the bar and kisses me on the cheek.

It's 4 days later and J and I are in a club. We met a boy who J works with. The boy who J's ex was jealous of because he used to be straight and is now bi. But J's never done anything with him. I'm dancing to The Cure with the boy's friends and go outside to find J. The boy has his hands in J's sweater and is nuzzling J's neck. I laugh to myself but then focus on someone standing 10 feet away from J. It's A, J's ex. The boy walks away and then J sees A.
(J relays the conversation to me after the event)
J walks over to A, 'What the fuck are you doing here?'
A: 'I was picking up --- from town. What the hell are you doing with him?'
J: 'I'll do whatever the fuck I want, what is it to to?'
A: 'I miss you J, I want you back, i'm so depressed.'
J: 'Well you didn't want me the times you were out pulling other guys, so don't give me that shit A.'
A: 'What the fuck is Andy looking at? Why does he look so pissed off with me?'
J: 'A, What do you expect? All my family are going to be like that. You cheated on me, and you better hope for your sake that you don't meet my sister or ----- because they will actually kick the shit out of you.'
A walks away and J walks towards me laughing.
We go back inside and the boy pours some vodka from a hipflask into my double, making it a quadruple. I like this boy.

3 days later, and i'm en route to Leeds with J. We're staying with an ex girl housemate of mine and meeting a few people I used to work with for drinks. A new boy who started just after I left is there. He's striaght but totally twinky, not my usual type but I can't stop looking at his beautiful face. We go on to a club and J can't believe places like exist. J is pretty commercial when it comes to music/clubs so this indie dive is something he's never experiences. He gets annoyed when people bump into him, I tell him to ignore it. He doesn't like that he doesn't know 1 single song, I tell him to dance anyway.

2 days later and we're back in a bar. We see our friend JD, stood next to a boy in white boxer-briefs selling shots. We walk over. It's the boy who J's seen on the internet with someone pulling a metal chain out of his ass. His body's pretty hot, but his face is pretty average. He gives us a shot because he's going to take all the money from sales and run, instead of giving his share back to the company he's working for. J shows me the videos of him when we get back that night. We both agree that he's dirt, but would probably still fuck him.

Things I can't do right now because I have no money:

• Get that tattoo of a The Smiths lyric around my calf, and maybe that chest tattoo I've designed.
• Get an Eurail ticket so I can go travelling with 2 friends for a month.
• Buy the many pieces of clothing I want/need from Ralph Lauren and Fred Perry.
• Pay for prints of my New York trip and buy frames to make a wall display.
• Get 3 books I want from amazon.
• Get petrol to drive to Leeds for a night out with ex-work colleagues.
• Pay my phone bill. (I'm managing to make them keep me connected by saying I'm waiting for a student loan, which I don't have)

Who says money doesn't buy happiness? I'm relatively happy now, but those things would increase it 5 fold.

Re-cap

Saturday:

JR and I miss the first train into Manchester because she's painting a rainbow on my arm and I'm painting a rainbow flower on her face.
We arrive, find a spot and see JD; the boy who has boundary issues. His friend hands me a card. It's asking me to apply to be a porn star.
'JD, where do you find these people?'

We meet up with my friend from uni and her 2 mates. I see a girl from Liverpool I used to work with. It's a gay ol' time and much fun was had.





Sunday:

L (ex-housemate) and I arrive at J's house at 6pm. We have 3 drinks then head into the city for around 7.30pm. We see a boy being dragged out of the Pride barriers as we arrive.
We get a drink from a bar and take it to the performance section (car park) because it's a great atmosphere. We watch Kelis' set (which was amazing, surprised me), drink and smoke lots, chat to everyone around us. I see a boy that J and I saw singing at an open mic night at a pub a few weeks earlier. We recognised him then and I thought it was because he was maybe 2 years above us in school. It seemed like he kind of knew who I was as well, I was sure my cousin knew him. So we saw him there and it got me excited. He's hella good looking, totally 'indie', very masculine, and above all that sings and plays the guitar. Hello. We couldn't really stand near to him but it was still light out so we found a spot and I positioned myself so I could see him. I found myself just staring at him, and we met eyes so many times, it seemed like he was trying to look at me too. Either he loved me or he was scared of me. I asked my cousin the day after but he had no idea who I was talking about.
We bar/club hopped until about 4am then stayed at J's house.
The next Morning L threw up and then came back into the bedroom:
'Andy, we have about 20 minutes until I throw up again, please, let's go now.'
(She's never been to J's house before and only met him once so she was kind of embarrassed.

Monday:
I go home, shower etc. and go back to J's at about 5pm for a barbecue with friends and family.
J's cousin, sister, and her 2 mates who are close friends all tell me they're so glad J and A are over. I'm slightly scared for A because if they saw him he'd probably be punched. They ask me if I still feel bad for telling him and I say no. They say I shouldn't be, it was the right thing to do. They'd expect any of the other to say anything if it happened to them.
We drink all evening and it ends up being me, J, J's father, J's mother, J's uncle, and a family friend all around the dining table at around 1am just chatting and drinking. When the rest go to bed J and I stay up for awhile talking. J shows me his profile on a gay site. He says he's quite excited to finally be single, and I hijack his laptop and browse the people (by closest first, obviously). J makes a profile for me, all it is so far is a username, I haven't written anything or put a photo up.

I'm going back to Leeds this weekend to see L's new flat. I'm going with a mutual friend and the weather's been great so we're going to sit in a field and have a picnic, get pissed, then go for Sunday lunch the next day.

I'm in a bar about 10 minutes walk from where the main gay street is in Manchester.
It's the Pride parade day. I have a rainbow flag painted on my arm.
I'm with JR-known her since I was 16
G-met at uni
I-G's friend who i've met a few times, neice of Sir Ian McKellen (who opened the parade)

I return from the toilet and hear some chav asking G why she has a rainbow painted on her face.

G: 'I'm showing my support for Pride!'
I sit down.
Chav: 'Are you gay?'
Me: 'Yes, what am I being too subtle?' (pointing to the rainbow)
Chav: 'Oh ok, I know a gay guy from work, he's alright. He gives me tips for the gym.'
Me: 'Oh, great.'
JR: 'That's such a weird thing to say. I work with someone with the same colour hair as you, he's alright. How do you feel about that?'

So i'm actually going out for pride tonight. Gotta go to my Dad's first but from about 7 it is ON. I don't know if we'll be going out tomorrow so tonight will probably be my only chance to test out my theory.

JR:Girl friend from highschool. 1 of 2 people from school I still see on a regular basis.
Texts with JR after agreeing to go and watch the Pride parade on Saturday 28th August:

JR: Can we do facepaint?
Me: We can do whatever we want. I know this is an exciting time for you, you've never really experienced much of my secret society.
JR: Haha woo! They've got facepaint sets in tesco but they're £8.
Me: You obviously know it must have rainbow colours.
JR: I've got some glitter as well (like 5 year olds glitter) so we can make it look a bit more diva-ish. My idea is that it will stick to the wet facepaint.
Me: People WILL think you're a drag queen. Maybe keep the glitter to a minimum.
JR: Ok, i've found some different paints for £2.25 but it's a bit small, shall we push the boat out and get the others?
Me: Yeah let's go wild. I'm only having a rainbow armband btw.

What If You're Wrong?

Richard Dawkins is an arrogant bastard, but I love watching him bully religious people. I wish I could see the girl's face as he was saying this.
I need to start The God Delusion again, I only got about 1/3 of the way through and then started on something else.

Last Night

Why do I feel guilty when I didn't do anything wrong?

I went out last night with J, A, and Y.

J-(best) friend since we were 7.
A-J's boyfriend of about 3 years, on and off.
Y-J's cousin.

I don't mind A, I really don't. I accepted the fact that he takes complete advantage of J. He makes J pay for everything, he makes J drive him everywhere, he throws tantrums when things don't go his way, he gets in moods over nothing and talks to J like a piece of shit. But I accepted that. J did, so I did.
He's great to be around 1 on 1, in a group he tends to like the attention on himself, but when it's just me and him he's not pre-occupied with trying to make a group pay attention to him and he's actually pretty fun.
So I went on a night out with him 2 or 3 weeks ago when J went on holiday.
He pulled a really hot guy, tanned, blond shaggy hair, gorgeous smile.
He told me we could stay at his house.
He told me the next morning that he's sucked his cock.
I told him he should tell J.
He told me he wasn't going to and I shouldn't say anything.

So we were out last night and A was being a dick to J. I can't remember what caused it, but I think A was shouting at J about a guy from work J had been speaking to. And I got sick of hearing A chatting shit and told J that A had cheated on him.
I told him I was sorry for keeping it from him.
I told him I should have told him earlier.
I told him I wish I didn't have to tell him.
He told me he was glad I said it.
He told me it wasn't my fault.
He told me not to feel guilty for not telling him sooner.

But I felt guilty. I felt guilty when I wasn't the one who'd caused this. Fuck A for making me feel guilty over something he did. Fuck A.

So we all got in a taxi and took A home because J didn't want him to stay. A got out and stood at his front door pretending to knock, because that's the sort of thing A does. So J got out, banged on the door at 4am to wake up A's mother, waited until he saw her coming down the stairs and then got back in the taxi and we went back to his house.
Nothing was said about it. Nothing was said about it this morning.
I'm not involving myself anymore.

This weekend is Pride in Manchester. In my case it’s an excuse to get wasted for 4 days straight. I know, the gays of old worked tirelessly to bring about a world in which events like this could take place. So thanks old gays, you’ve given me the excuse to be all gay and drunk. And gay and drunk I shall be.

I’m lucky; the city I live in is all modern and cosmopolitan. I could walk down the street holding my boyfriend’s hand (if I fucking had one) and be met with little resistance. I could dry hump my boyfriend’s thigh (if I fucking had one and was a whore) on Canal Street and be met by no resistance. But would that make me proud? Am I proud to be gay?

The answer: fuck yeah.

I don’t like being part of the norm; I like having my own little world, my little community that most outsiders don’t necessarily understand. I see a lot of gay bars getting crowded by hen parties and wandering straights; but the majority of my straight friends have never set foot in the village, and if they have it was for the novelty, and experienced with some hesitation. There’s no hesitation on my part; it’s a place I feel completely comfortable. I can talk about whatever I want, to whomever I want, and not fear be concerned about being met with any hostility because of the sexual nature of a topic. And I appreciate this.

As a 21 year old gay male I still have a lot to learn. I’m not socially awkward, but I’m certainly not a social butterfly. I tend to only speak to my friends on a night out, occasionally venturing to friends of friends, but definitely no one further out of that circle. That probably explains why I don’t have a fucking boyfriend.

I’m proud, but I’m not loud. I get it, some gays flaunt their sexuality; it’s in their nature. Their limp wrists, high voices, bleached hair, wide dance moves, and orange skin are how they express it, whether they can control it or not.

Me? I’m the one standing at the bar, tapping his foot, nodding his head, drinking his pint of cider. Get me on the dance floor and I’ll sway and stamp, but it’s not my mating call. I’ll do it to have fun with my friends, not catch people’s attention. I’ll probably give you ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers if you corner me in the smoking area, and pretend I can’t hear you if you shout down my ear in the club. I’m not uncomfortable, I’m uninterested. I’m perfectly happy in my own little world, in my own little group, where we all like each other, and we have countless little jokes that no one else gets. And I know people hate that, which is probably why I don’t have a fucking boyfriend.

But I think I’m ready for a change. The problem is I don’t know what change I need to make. I deleted any gay social networking sites I was joined up to (3) on Sunday. I’ve been members of various sites since I was 17, and I’ve met 2 guys through them, but I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to answer ‘How did you guys meet?’ with ‘I was searching for a fuck…’ I don’t want to know a guys cock size before I know his eye colour.

But I’ve been unsuccessful in finding a guy face to face, so what do I need to change? I think I need to get over myself and be willing to speak to other people. I think I need to change the look on my face when a guy speaks to me in a bar. I think I need to start a conversation instead of avoiding one.

What better way to start this than at Pride. A place full of gays who are there to just have a good time; to revel in the fact that we’re all there, we’re all connected in a simple way. We may not like the same music, or read the same books, or know the same things, or even speak the same language. But we’re all there. And I need to open myself up to the opportunity, the risk, the chance, of finding…well I don’t know what I want to find. Not yet. I’m 21.

I have a lot to learn.

My Friday night.

If you haven't seen this video then you can't call yourself a gay man on the internet. So I thought i'd take the best (and by best I mean hottest/most ridiculous) parts and give you some .gif eye candy.













Let's hear it for the boys!



(My personal favourite is number 5)

Red hat guy, call me.

I've finally joined J's gym. It's nice and small, there's never anyone in there. Time to build and tone. I'm a gay man; I should have pecs.

I was lying on the couch hungover from celebrating J's sisters' birthday on Saturday night when J rang me to join him in the nearby park while he was walking his dog. We made 4 circuits, found no ice cream van, saw a gorgeous boy who knows A (J's boyfriend) walking with some girl who wasn't his girlfriend, made plans for drinks later this evening, discussed last night's antics and talked about Jon who text me last night.

I wanted to take a picture of the dog but J insisted he was in it.

Everybody wants to go to heaven.

But nobody wants to die.

Lust

Something to wear and nowhere to go.

I'll take the hot geek to go.

Last Night

Well, Saturday night.

I drive to J's at 11pm, he's waiting at the door with a drink.
'I've ordered a taxi, down in one.'
I follow his instructions and then we grab another for the taxi ride.
We're in Queer and i've had 2 more drinks so I text A, J's boyfriend.
'Where are you?'
'Queer, near the back at the seats, get here.'
We go over, A is with D, C and JD. They're all pretty drunk 

JD has just split up with his boyfriend P. They've lived together for god knows how long but it was a well known fact that their relationship was sexless for at least the past year.
JD singles me out and I get prepared to cock block because he has a tendency to molest me.
'Sexy -------! Nice beard. Ooh sexy (he strokes my chest) Are you team J?'
'I'm team Andy'
'Let's dance'
'Maybe later'

We head downstairs to the club room. I make my way to the toilet and some boy in a baseball cap pokes me hard in the chest and holds out his hand to shake mine.
I try to place his face, 'do I know you?'
'I don't think so, but hey i'm Carl.'
I shake his hand, 'hi Carl, I'm going.'

I grab a drink and go over to the group, A, C and D are on the crowded raised platform in the centre of the room and C is dancing with some shirtless twink.
J tells me that shirtless twink does porn, A showed J a picture of shirtless twink on some questionable website. He was naked and having a metal chain pulled out of his ass. I then see shirtless twink pull his jeans down to his knees. He'd definitely not good looking enough to get away with this shit.

Everyone goes out for a cigarette. I get in a conversation with C about how he can't enjoy a night out without coke anymore. Alcohol isn't enough for him. I tell him he's an addict.

We move somewhere else. P, JD's ex-bf is there. I like P better than JD. I say i'm going over to chat to him and JD pulls me back. Instead I go to the bar further down from where P is and just laugh when we see each other. JD eventually goes over to P and they're occupied in a corner for the rest of the night in conversation.

It's maybe 3am and C and D went missing an hour ago and now I can't find A and J. I dart past the chatting ex-lovers in the corner and make my way outside. I light a cigarette, smoke it, roll and light another. Then I text J. We walk to get a taxi and see some raging lesbian starting a fight with an old chunky gay man. Apparently he called her girlfriend a slag. God help him. She's charging through the streets and I see her call a straight guy, who's definitely stood with his girlfriend, a faggot.

We're home and A is way drunk. He starts an argument with J and ends up throwing his pizza on the floor. J pushes him and A ends up on the floor. J ushers A upstairs to bed while I finish a cigarette. I get to bed at 4am.

Sunday.
I go out to eat with my father, his fiancé, my sister and 3 year old half-brother.
My brother has decided it's fun to call people smack heads while slapping his forehead. I wish I could get away with that.

The Lady Is Dead

I love this

31 May 2010 03:21
I'm backk x x

7 Jun 2010 00.49
Hey gorgeous how u x

10 Jun 2010 23.29
Hey u x

11 Jun 2010 11.10
Mr rude boi :-P

29 Jun 2010 02.27
Andreww :-) how the fudge are u x x

1 Jul 2010 23:51
-blank text-

2 July 2010 14.39
U graduate this year?x

4 July 2010 01.45
Oh douche

12 Jul 2010 22.28
Oioi x x

13 Jul 201009:15
?

15 Jul 2010 19.49
Wondered if u were alive lol x

29 Jul 2010 01:17
Hey r u alive stranger x

30 Jul 2010 20.05
-blank text-

30 Jul 2010 20:05
?

30 Jul 2010 20:05
soz dude

30 Jul 2010 20:06
why soz?

30 Jul 2010 20:06
Blank text duh. New touch screen cnt work it

30 Jul 2010 20:06
Why, what did you mean to text?

30 Jul 2010 20:07
Just a hello haha

30 Jul 2010 20:07
Ok, hey

30 Jul 2010 20:08
Lol, was wondering if u were alive

30 Jul 2010 20:08
Yeah I'm alive


30 Jul 2010 20:15
Lol gdgd. Not heard from u in timeee


30 Jul 2010 20:36
Yeah I've been busy moving from Leeds and sorting out uni stuff.


30 Jul 2010 20:37
Yeah haha no worries bbe


Cutting off all contacts from my previous city.

Him again?

For Michael Rivers. You perv!

From my place in the gutter

I can still see the stars

Fox. I hate him so much. He totally stole Curls from me, and I was going to marry him. They're still working abroad together.